"Baby mamma drama the part us men don't tell"

              First I will say this is not a bashing session of the mother of my child just candid account of  "baby mamma drama". I don't actually call the mother of child my "baby mamma"  due to bad connotation it has within society. When she got pregnant the first time I was scared and didn't tell a soul but I always wanted to be a young father. I remember hearing my child's heart beat for the first time and I was taken back because shit just got real. On the Fourth month she had a appointment and I was working and it was just a routine monthly check up i decided not to go and I got a frantic call while I was at work saying "they cant find our babies heart beat " at that moment I felt I let her down I wasn't there for her. I promised her I wouldn't be like the other idiots she dated and I would be there for her. I decided that I really did want a child it was my Idea for her not to go back on birth control and we would just see what would happen the next few months. In October I could tell something was different she didn't want to be pregnant due to losing our first and the chance it could happen again but I knew. We went to the doctors and there it was we where expecting again I was 19 and she was 18. Things went well we had our typical fights over other women she was insecure which as a man I never understood I truly loved her . I didn't help though I did things went places that could make her think that I wanted more then a pregnant girlfriend who insecure about her body and my choices.
             Shit started going down hill once my football recruitment started to pick and I told her I had no interest in staying in San Diego yet I wanted her to come with me . This was my child and I wanted her to be with me in all reality as scared as I was I wanted to marry her. I was in a conflict with myself though I was on one of the greatest Junior college football teams ever and we RAN San Diego. We would go down to SDSU to part 20-30 Deep this was our city. Once she was pregnant I stopped bringing her with me . Little did I know I was taking out the foundation from our relationship that I help to build. She was the first maybe the last women I have dated that had my back. I could count on her threw anything I guess apart of me still searches for that this day in a relationship. I have never seen a great relationship up close my dad wasn't around my mom and my step dad fought like cats and dogs. That all played out in this relationship I can say I have been in love after or before but to this day the relationship with her is the only love I've known. People will question after all the shit you've been through how can you say that. easy sit down think about my own actions .
            Our daughter was born and it was the greatest thing I had ever seen. I made mistakes I wasn't as active as I should have been I watched her change to many diapers and feed her partly she wouldn't let me. I had a huge decisions to make to take my last scholarship offered I had lost a bunch due to different issues. I planned to sit out the season and move to Fresno and play football there and keep my family together. My mom was really putting the pressure on me . I decided that the best thing for me to do was to get my education because my mom didn't have a college degree I didn't want my daughter to say "well you didn't do it  so why do I". I wanted her to come with me and raise our family In north Dakota haha yea but I knew I would be all alone if she didn't and she choose not to and it cut me deep I mean real deep. My first week out there I came back home because i missed my daughter and felt I was leaving her behind like my father did me but deep down a free education was the best choice in the long run so I went back and begged her to come and she declined again. So I went  to school alone and deeply depressed I cried 3 and half hours from San Diego to Minneapolis . God was with me I just so happen to be sitting next to a pastor from Nebraska and his lovely wife after the first Hour of seeing the grown 6'1 205lb man cry and cry she asked me what was wrong and I told her everything she was comforting to me like a mother would be and the paster gave me great advice by the time I got off the plane I had no more tears and the guilt wasn't as bad .
         My Arrival again to North Dakota sucked for me my head wasn't in football my heart was in San Diego with the mother of my child and my beautiful little girl. I was sad, depressed and all that for the first time I was truly alone . I have large family I had my girl and my daughter I had it all and now it was just Devon and his thoughts. There were nights I honestly questioned if life was even worth it if I didn't have those two . Meanwhile she placed alot of stress on back thinking I was out every night partying and with women when actually I rarely left my room if It wasn't to eat or football and I was outcast by the team from the beginning because I came in with such high praise I was there to take someones spot. I felt terrible leaving her there without me but with all the accusations she pushed me away and met another girl. She was the opposite of her tall blonde who didn't give me shit all the time and just wanted me to her. I dated her off and on for three years but I was still in love with the mother of my child and basically this girl just took her place while I was at school and I went back and fourth . They always say the grass is greener on the other side it is if you choose to water it . I made the mistake of using her as tool against my daughters mom too hurt her like she hurt me by not coming with me . I went back and fourth cheated on gf at school with my daughters mom because in the long run she was where my heart was I wanted the family I wanted .
        Soon things got bad she started to hold our daughter against me not letting me see her when I wanted to and all that stuff. We had our first court hearing and things where established she felt I should barely see her because I "left " them and went away to school. Soon she began to date other men and it killed me inside to know men where with her doing what I should and around my daughter . I found way to hurt her throwing stuff in her face about women and we went back and fourth. Soon we started to fight like no other and the court hearings became more frequent . She was doing the only thing that could hurt me and take away time from me and my daughter, She would say things like "you are just like your father" and  "you choose someone else over us" never the case did I take the easy way out yea I did. Soon she filed a false restraining order on me which was thrown out and she was scolded by the judge for it . I have never lifted a finger to her or anything she knew the career i wanted and if I have domestic charge I wouldn't be able to do it. Then her "friends" told me she had cheated on me and I should have my daughter tested to make sure she was mine . That cut me to the core but I never doubted she was mine and if you see her now shes my twin. She would date these men in attempts to replace me it seemed and the drama continued in and out of court trying to take away time and fuck me over with child support even though I was always there she wanted to hurt me and still does to this day.
       She brought a man she was barely with to our daughters first day of kindergarten which should have been just us because I'm her father I've been there for her . This a attempt to piss me off and it did i was furious and luckily a friend was there and stopped me from beating the shit out this guy. To this day she still makes things hard on me to be involved with my daughter and she makes it tough for me to date. She thinks I date the same way she does to replace and I would never do that. She still hold on to the young man that i was back then that did alot of things that I truly regret and Im sure she does but she just hasn't matured enough to face her own mistakes. After everything we have been though and the path I have taken to grow i realized that hurt i dealt to her going back and fourth is what caused this. Most men just say that bitch is crazy but I played my part with my lies and decisions I have made. It doesn't excuse everything she has done and does by no means . She has said and done things I will not write in here because I know deep down she knows she could have done better. I have tried to pull my family together and watched my daughter cry and cry about wanting her family back. I just hope that men In position do what I did take all the "drama" and focus Don't let anyone push you away most men would have left or remained distant but your only hurting your child. Till this say our relationship isn't where I want I'm still being punished for the past I pray she sees the love and commitment I have to my daughter and to look in the mirror and know we where both young and dumb and made bad choices. I will always love her for giving birth to my daughter and for the women she was when she believed in me . I know that women is still there she has just choose to hide her behind pain and anger. Fellas I feel like I have been to hell and back but the relationship I have with my daughter has only got better . One day maybe she see for the man I am not who I was and understand we both want the same thing I think haha that's the best for our daughter. I tell you this story for the guys going through it . The women who are too once you realized you played your part correct your mistakes and make sure the child never suffers. To the mother of child I hope that you one day choose to let it go and let us be the best parents together not as a couple necessary to our daughter. Fellas keep fighting and know that one day it will be alright as long as your child isn't saying what she is your okay never ever give up on anything esp your child. Never give up on your ex either once you have grown you laid down and made this child for a reason and now you have to be patient . Men never say the part we played in anything so here is mine so just pray for me as I pray for her mother to let go of the pain and hurt . No more drama......

2013 interracial dating Thoughts

Things have come a long way from even when I began to date outside of my race in middle school. Natasha my first girlfriend and she was beautiful petite Mexican girl. Even then it was rare where I grew up in Spring Valley that Mexican women didn't date black men . The Mexican males weren't really down with that and there was alot of racial divide between males of both races. We used to have a yearly fight in a alley something out of a movie if you were black you had to fight the Mexicans and vice versesa. This was nothing new to me but to others I'm sure it sounds crazy that from 11-13 we had to fight to keep our dominance. Now i think its foolish but its what we had to do. My first love Jessica man I loved that girl in High School she was my first and I was hers. She was a athletic thick white girl who had a amazing ass haha. She treated me normal I went to a all white school and because I was a excellent athlete put me up on pedastool that my social anxiety did not like. One day her mother decided to move her out of our school and she called me crying. It was because i was "black jock" and she didn't want her daughter looking like some hoe that was just one of the many. This was before my womanizer days so she was actually wrong. Then she moved her to Huntington beach to keep us away from each other and it crushed me. This was my first dealing with interracial dating and how it could look from other outside looking in.
Fast forward to now and all I hear is that I need to stop dating white women that's why I have problems meeting a good women. I used to question maybe that's it maybe that's why i keep meeting these shitty women. Ive dated Mexicans women all kinds of women. I've never dated a black women I have slept with a couple haha but never dated. Its Amazing the looks I get when I was with my ex of 3 years she is a tall beautiful blonde hazel eyed white women. The looks we would get out together would make me laugh . People automatically assume black men date white women for some type of gain which is true for some guys but that's every race. It would be that particular guy that does that the race of the women really doesn't matter. For me that is what I'm attracted to but I am attracted to any good looking women . I think at times black women write black men off that usually date white women because they may be "white washed" or ignorant shit like that. I also hear that black men get away with more with white women that is false ive seen other races put up with way more bullshit haha and I love the fact that people act like that is not the case. I have seen the other side my best friend and his parents hated it and didn't like he only dated black women but they always where Nice to me . The bigotry exhibited still to this day shocks me that people will be nice but have a problem with dating outside your race. When I was with my daughter mother who is German and Cuban but shes as pale as ghost black women used to give her all kinda dirty looks and when we had our daughter people have the "mixed baby" syndrome. I love women haha don't get me wrong but I used to get hit on all the time black women but now i couldn't get one to talk to me and I'm a very good looking man. Why that is I don't know but I feel that alot of people walk down the same street keep getting lost but wont take any directions. Walking around lost is not the way to go but this is what some people do .
My daughter is a product of this and I love it I never thought god I want a mixed baby because there so cute but I loved her mother and wanted to create a life with her. I do see alot of women who have that "mixed baby" syndrome they see how cute they are and they want one, kinda like they used to want that pretty barbie. People say everyone will soon be mixed but is that a bad thing ? That is a sign of the times that we are not seeing color but just a person. I cant speak for every-man some of black Friends don't date black women because they are intimated or they are ratchet whatever stereotypes they use. Not me and never will be its just whats usually around me I'm not going to go seek a specific type of women I just go for whats in arms reach. So whether you like it or not welcome to the new America but I will touch on this topic again let me know what you guys think. I personally am I dark skin male so im attracted to things lighter then me haha I mean I love being dark doesn't make me less of a man or racist against my if my girl is dark as hell like I am. To be honest do I see my myself marrying and non African american women yes but theres nothing wrong with that but I wouldn't rule it out. I love being black and all the perks it comes with everyone thinks we are all good athletes and have big wieners haha those are some perks when it comes to interracial I love the mix of cultures. I was eating German food and Mexican food real authentic stuff. I love the mesh of cultures especially over love . There will be a part two where I will strictly talk about the Black man/white girl  relationship and what we deal with . I leave you guys with this open your heart not with your eyes but with your mind. Thia is what love creates just so happens to be from a interracial relationship my little princess Braelynn Isabella Jones. Its great to love who you want and if that's in your race that's fine just love yourself no matter what color so you can eventually love someone else.

The Journey

Well i wanted to write a post to have you that read this follow me on my journey threw love,life and my pursuit of happiness. At this point in my life I feel like I am completely starting over with so many things. This is the first time in a long time I have been completely single no ex hanging around no lingering relationships. The background with myself is i am 27 year old father of a beautiful little girl Braelynn Isabella. She is my life and I truly love being a father to her. This blog will highlight our journey together as father and daughter but me growing into the man that I inspire to be. The best thing about me is that I am a competitor of life. I want to be the best at everything I do. This has pushed me to be a better father,son,friend,brother and Lover. I have been through hell and back I feel like I could use any of these excuses to say why this and that could hold me back but excuses are for the weak and truth is for the strong. Have I made plenty of mistakes in the past hell yea from the love I lost in my life whether it was timing or the fact I couldn't keep my dick in my pants when I was younger it was plenty of things. Everyday that you breathe you have a chance to become a better person so why not take it because I will and wont stop till Im satisfied and who knows if that will happen . One thing I am is completely honest with things when I write this it comes from the soul its just me nobody else. I may offend people I may hurt people but I promise I will be completely honest within this blog I present to you guys and hope you continue to support the movement and I would love feed back and interaction with you all. My next post will be about relationships and how mine have shaped me into who I am today from the great sex to the tremendous heartbreak ......stay tuned